The Heart of CBG Counseling
So many times I have been asked “why did you become a therapist?” “Why do you enjoy working with X types of clients?” “Why do you enjoy listening/helping people all day?” For a long time when asked this question I truly gave a B***S*** answer because I felt I couldn’t actually share my why. Not only that, I’m not sure I was in a place to be honest about my own why because there was grief, guilt and embarrassment attached to it.
M y W h y…
Ten years ago this month, I lost my dad to addiction (I can't believe it's been 10 years). Addiction overtook him for the majority of my life and in a way that I truly never expected. For the longest time I was so embarrassed to share how he had passed and honestly, this embarrassment was deep rooted in my childhood because I had been embarrassed by my story long before he passed away. I was so awkward growing up when people asked about him. Truthfully there were probably only a few of my friends that really knew the truth about him. Why was I embarrassed you might ask? I felt alone. I felt that I would be judged and assumptions would be made about me for his actions. It wasn’t until I got much older and educated that I realized I was not alone. In fact data over the years has shown that 1-8 children live/grew up in a household with at least one parent that suffers from a substance use disorder (SUD). Think about that for a second, that's a huge number. That number means, you and I both know multiple people that likely grew up in a household with a parent with addiction whether we know it or not. And as I grew in my profession, I realized that the feelings that I once felt, several others felt those same feelings and that can be scary to talk about.
So, when he passed I found myself scrambling to find something to say when asked what happened to my dad. This was before I came up with a stock answer of “he was sick” just to avoid it all together. But, ten years have come and gone in a blink of an eye and I am not the same person that I was when I got that phone call.
T H E C A L L
The call happened as I was starting my senior year of college, more specifically I was in the middle of preseason with my soccer team and hardly sleeping. Shoot what I wouldn’t do to go back to that some days, but that’s beside the point. After practice one morning I had 3 missed calls from a random Colorado number which is where my dad lived. There were no voicemails, so I hesitantly called the number back knowing it likely was my dads new number or something related to him. What I didn't expect was that I would get the voicemail for a detective in Pueblo, CO and when I did my brain immediately went to “oh, he must be in jail again.” A few moments later as I was walking to my dorm with some teammates, the number called me back and stopped me dead in my tracks as the detective told me that they had found my dad in his home and it was unclear when he had passed, but that it had been at least a few days. My dad had overdosed on oxycontin.
I couldn’t breathe, I was sitting on the sidewalk unable to move with so many thoughts and emotions running through my body trying to understand what I had just been told and knowing that I would be the one to have to call my two older siblings and my mom (his ex wife). As I worked on gathering myself to get to my room, I suddenly remembered the last conversation I had with him… I was angry. I was angry at my dad because he had completely forgotten my 21st birthday (yes I know it sounds silly now) and had given me a BS excuse as to why he had forgotten. My dad had lied so much growing up that I hardly ever believed anything he said so why should that excuse have been any different. The thing about this “lie” though.. it was different and I wouldn’t find that out until I got to Colorado later that week and his neighbor without being asked told me the story the exact same story he had told me…..….Cue the guilt
G U I L T
Guilt is something I felt for a long time and I'd be lying if I didn't say sometimes I still feel it. The most random things will bring it up, but I’ve processed so much that it is no longer debilitating to me. I felt guilt that I wasn't enough to change my dads habits. I felt guilt that we had to have a social worker sit in the room with us while we saw each other for a period of time when I was about 9 years old or so. I felt guilt for the hurt he caused my mom. I could keep going, but I won't because I think you get the point. The guilt intensified after he died and it took me a long time to come to terms with it, it took me a lot of therapy honestly.
Yes, therapists go to therapy & that is not a bad thing. Honestly, isn’t it kinda nice knowing that your therapist whoever that may be has likely experienced being on the other side of the therapy room. The true definition of practicing what you preach if you ask me.
T H E T R U T H
Now, I’m going to say something that may be shocking to some and not make sense, but it’s my truth. I wouldn’t change anything about the way I grew up. Yea, it was challenging, there were probably more bad days then good for a lot of years and I was a really angry young teen. However, without the experiences I went through I would not be who I am today, I probably wouldn’t be a therapist or have met my husband or have my adorable baby. I wouldn’t have this life that I live. A life that I love and am grateful for every day. I also wouldn’t have the experience and knowledge that I have that allows me to help others in the way that I enjoy doing.
Despite having processed my grief, it still shows up from time to time. But I am proud of the skills I’ve learned to help me when something triggers it. Grief is not something we ever truly get over, but rather something we learn how to continue to grow with the pain it leaves behind. We will always miss the people we have lost and that’s ok, but the pain will begin to sting a little less as long as we acknowledge and nurture it.
So why am I sharing this with you?
I’m sharing it in hopes that just one person finds it helpful, finds it relatable and maybe even motivating to face their trauma and hurt. That if that one person has ever felt embarrassed by their loved ones addiction, they know they are not alone.
If this is you in any way, know I see you and I’m here and would love the opportunity to show you how therapy can assist you in processing the trauma that comes from growing up with a parent that suffers from addiction. Their addiction does not define you and you too can feel free of their life choices.
If you live in Florida, Rhode Island or Virginia and are interested in talking with me about your therapy needs. Please reach out to schedule a free consultation call with me, i’d love to chat with you!
Till next time!
-C.G
